A Plea
What is the point of stubbornness?
Why are there stands for the principle of things?
How can we consciously let these days go by when we know not how much time is left?
Why does my mind insist on being a strong independent woman
when my heart wants to give in like a little school girl.
This is a plea.
You are the man I love -
Be the man I deserve.
Our Life
I’m not sure where my life is going…
but I’m going with it.
And I would never ask you to follow me but
if somehow our lives could correspond…
If somehow, together separately
without any sacrifices or hardships,
my life and your life could become our life
Then maybe,
maybe that’s where my life could be going.
Spring 2010
So far I’ve got some pictures from a family jam session and a hike to the Quarry. More to come for sure!
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Severed
This poem is from a while ago and I just rediscovered it. I’m not sure why I never posted it. Maybe because it’s very personal and so completely obvious who it is written about. But I really enjoy it and I was reminded today that I should think about all the little things, moments, and memories that make up my life.
I feel severed
Maybe just hanging by a thread
Lingering somewhere between unconsciousness and dead
The distance of our hearts is unbearable
Who knew love could be torn down and ripped up
Who knew love was so terrible
Memories stab into my soul:
Our first date
With your new shoes stuck in the mud
And a pack of frozen hot dogs on my swollen eye
You said it was a good sign.
Standing close in the cold, all alone
Cement beneath our feet and stars above our heads
Breathing in puffs, lips close but never touch
It was just enough.
Shabby clothes splattered in blue paint
Sprawled out on your bare bed
The pillow you placed behind my head.
A captured moment behind a tree
Where you whispered in my ear
Secrets your friends didn’t need to hear.
Five days, twenty- four hours of you
I can never describe that look in your eye
When you rocked me awake each morning.
Time with you
Could never compete
With any other memory
And now that I’ve relived and cried
Can I survive
I’m barely alive
Without you
Let it End, Let it Begin
It’s sad, maybe unfair, but maybe also deserving
That I’m getting so much better, and you’re just getting worse.
That I’m rising from the ashes
And you’re burning away.
Since you left I’ve become this glowing star
Getting brighter while you dim
Getting sharper as you dull
This is never what I wanted for you.
I wanted to believe that with me gone
You would become a sparkling diamond
You would be everything you couldn’t be when I was here.
How could you let this happen?
I had so many dazzling dreams
So many aspirations for you but,
“Methinks I see thee now thou art so low,
As one dead in the bottom of a tomb.”
I wanted to look back at this
And see the good I did by leaving you alone
I want to see an evolution, ascension
From the boy I met to the man you can be.
If it takes losing you to make me a better person
Then I guess I’ll take the consequence
But does it have to be this stark contrast
Is there nothing I’ve changed in you that will last?
It’s sad to know that we could have been beautiful together
That we could have made a future together
But we both thought we could do even better apart.
If I succeed and you do not, I will never forgive myself.
I know if I kept you I would have been second to your dreams
And I know I would have had to give up all of mine.
I’m not sure if you knew this,
But I would have done it all in a heartbeat.
So thank you for setting me free
For being selfless for me
Whether on purpose or not
With our end, you gave me a beautiful new start.
Where ever life brings you, lower or higher
Know that I think the world of you
Know that when I reach all my desires
Everything I did, I did for you.
Crescendo
Restless on a school night
Nearing Midnight
Something has clicked inside my head
Making me roll around my bed.
Abrupt, like the fridge kicking on
Like the furnace rumbling to its favorite song.
Yesterday I was missing someone so much
To Hell if I know who it really was
My heart is a stranger to me lately
Feet marching me to something I can’t see
Future’s bright and thick with summer heat
Past’s been so good, you have a lot to beat
Feels like my entire life has been this mounting crescendo
Been writing about these worthless innuendos
Finally entering a time of clarity
Out of clouds, back to faithful reality.
The world is my playground
No possible way to tie me down
Can’t find a reason not to smile
No reason not to go that extra mile.
Midnight.
Everything feels right.
Better than right,
I’m invincible tonight.
Do You Remember?
Do you remember
the night we first kissed?
How your rough hands held me
as you kissed my virgin lips.
Do you remember
the song we always sang?
The words we can’t forget
to the beat that kept us sane.
Remember how it slipped away?
Broken chords we couldn’t mend…
Well maybe now we’re out of tune
but know our song could never end.
Paris/Versailles Winter 2010
London Winter 2010
UMass Journal
I stumbled across my UMass College Writing notebook today, which included a required journal entry at the beginning of each class. The professor gave us some keywords to help us out, but I always ended up writing about what I wanted to write about. Here are some excerpts from that one semester at UMass. I’ve highlighted the poignant phrases:
9/11/08 “True it is a tragic event, but lots of people die everday. Even the ones that don’t make national headlines are tragic. Should we go and do something for everyone in the world who has lost someone they love? Maybe I feel this was because I have never lost someone so close… Maybe when God reads this entry he will condemn me to lose all of my loved ones. So with that being said, I respect her reasoning, and I wish I had been as thoughtful to do it… it’s funny how powerful the eyes of God are. I mean, not funny… great… wonderful motivation.”
9/23/08 “…It’s like the game me and my friend made up when we were younger. You start with one word and the next person says another word associated with the previous word. Once you are 15 words out, you try to get back to the original word using all different words. It isn’t a precise game. Sometimes when we were frustrated enough we’d just jump from cranberries to toad and say that toads eyes are the size of cranberries or something ridiculous like that. That’s what’s great about being young and making your own rules. Anything can come from anything. And anything can go back to something. If that doesn’t make sense to you then you haven’t been listening to my story.
9/25/08 “On a completely different note, I’m thinking of changing my major. To something completely useless. That is just like me to do that.”
10/2/08 “I’m actually going to receive a ‘talk’ about this ‘transfer nonsense’. Ha. ‘Let’s show Colleen why she wants to stay here.’ Ha Ha. If I knew they really cared about me and wanted to talk because they think it’s for my own good to stay here, than I would gladly. But I know it’s purely for them. All about them… They take it offensively.”
10/16/08 “Florescent lights make everything look awful. Who would invent a kind of light that would ugly-fy everyone and everything?… Why do we build buildings without proper natural light? Especially places where people are uncomfortable already, like doctors offices and courts.”
10/2008 “I am neither because I am both.“
10/28/08 “One time at the Adironack Zoo I witness Guilty Turtle Love (these three words were supposed to seperately inspire us, but I was inspired by them as a phrase). These male turtles inched closer and closer to each other. When the larger was close enough, he streched out his neck and went for a turtle peck. The small turtle quickly retracted into his shell, afraid of being judged. It was guilty turtle love. I hope that after I left, the boys got together behind the plastic turtle wigwam. Or maybe even right in the lettuce put. Love, especially turtle love, should never be guilty. *Please stop reading here. The following is tedious.* Now that was the end of my story, but I am required to write for 10 minutes straight. It would have been cute to end it there but no, I have been reprimanded for a motionless pen and therefore must continue writing. Ruining my cute little story. Maybe I will warn the prospective reader to stop there and read no further. But that usually makes someone read out of curiosity. Are you that someone? Was it worth it to read this jabber? Next time listen to what I tell you!”
11/6/08 “When you look back at history you see a pattern of the Presidents parties. (The parties always switch after two terms with one exception). If a Republican won after eight years of a Republican presidency, that would have made headlines as well. Especially with the low approval rate and the economic situation. Why didn’t anyone talk about that? No one really likes to learn from history. If they did they would have known it was a sure thing for a Democrat to win… Now they can focus on seeing what the black president can do. And no I will not capitalize that. In an article for Women’s Studies I was reading the author capitalized Black and lowercased white. Is that politically correct? Is that some kind of affirmative action? Come on.”
11/18/08 “It took me a long time to learn to love myself and I will not let him bring me down.“
Epiphany #2
The way I see it, some people are really good for you.
They’re so good that you think they may be the best.
But in the end you find that they can’t be.
And it’s so hard to give up on someone
who was so close to being the one.
But you have to let go of the really good
to be ready for when the best arrives.
Happy Holidays
When In Rome…
The saying goes, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do”. It has also been said that we live in a patriarchal world, a world ruled by men. Many men agree with this statement, they are the stronger sex, they have the larger brain, they have ruled the political, business, and social fields since the beginning of (cough cough) man. And as a woman, I do not deny these facts. Biologically, men possess better potential to be physically stronger, although many women have become equally strong. Men’s brains grow bigger than women’s, although we cannot forget that there are the same number of brain cells. Men have taken control of many aspects of our lives, whether by oppressing women or by their consent.
Now I’m not writing here to chastize men. Men have gotten us this far, and they have let us women slowly but surely get what we want. I can vote, I can run for President, I can become a CEO of a big business. It might be hard, but I’m allowed. And in the future it will be easier and maybe even expected. Who knows. But I’m writing here to expose a hypocrisy that has yet to be challenged out in the open. And has yet to be overcome by women.
Men have different rules about dating and women than women have about dating and men. A majority of women are strategic with men. They tend to genuinely like who they are hanging out with, they tend to be genuinely worrisome if they have a predicament with more than one guy and genuinely work to chose one, they tend to be looking for a relationship. This view is what gets us hurt. This is not the view that men take. And since we live in a world of men, it’s time to “stick it to the man” as they say. Let us begin the cycle we’ve been waiting for since the first time we heard “what goes around, comes around”…
If you choose to (1) go on a date with, (2) hang out/ text frequently, (3) have sexual relations with a man, the following are the man rules:
- A man who is not specified as committed such as in the situations above can and will pursue/ perform the same things with one or more other women.
- Said man will attempt to hide this from you and most likely lie if you hint about it.
- Said man will expect you to (1) not be seeing any other men, (2) not accept other men’s pursuing, (3) absolutely not have sexual relations with another man. (4) If questioned you will never lie and will immediately break off whatever you had.
- If you break any of these rules you are subject to (1) being called a slut, skank, and/or whore to your face and to everyone he comes in contact with, (2) jealous behavior that also serves to make you believe that he really cares about you, and in turn make you feel guilty, (3) never be spoken to again.
Does anyone else see a problem with this? It is unfair, hypocritical, and completely appalling. The worst part of all of this, is that they will never admit (1) that this happens, (2) that it is wrong. Here is my suggestion to all girls in this situation, DO AS THE ROMANS DO. Don’t take hypocrisy. Don’t play ignorant and pretend that you are the only girl in a man’s life. The only way to protect your heart and your dignity is to play by man rules:
- Never care too much
- Never show too much feeling
- Put yourself first, ALWAYS
- Never commit unless you have to
- Never sacrifice a good time for his feelings
- Never feel guilty, you are always right!
- Ladies, when in Rome do as the Romans do.
That Girl
Have you ever been in a situation where you say in your head: she’s that girl, THE girl, that’s her… not me. It’s when you’ve been hanging out with this guy, maybe you’re even dating him, and suddenly it hits you, you are not alone. Most girls subconsiously understand that they are not the first girl, not his first girlfriend, probably not his first lover. But some girls have to realize at some point that they are also not his first love. She is. And no matter how hard you try, you always feel second best.
I’ve been in that situation. I’ve felt like I was too late. I’ve felt like there wasn’t enough room in his heart for me. And I envied that girl. I pictured her as being invincible, a queen, the one for him. I felt like I could occupy his mind right now, but she was there before me… and I knew she would be there after me. I was right.
But now I am in her shoes. I’m his first true love, I am that girl. But it’s not what I thought it would be. I don’t feel invincible at all. I feel like the loser. I want to scare the shit out of these girls, I want to be calm and confident, but it’s harder than I thought. I don’t have that constant encouragement that a girlfriend gets, the constant attention and affection, I just have to have faith in our love. Me and faith are new friends and this is a rocky road to start out on.
So this is a message to all girls, whether you are the girl or just the other girl, what goes around comes back around, and we are all in one boat. Instead of competing with one another, we should care about how we would feel in her shoes. We should take into account what we would want done for us if we were in the same situation. I have a rule that I never get involved even slightly with a guy when I am unsure of his relationship status. If there is any rumor, any hint of another girl, I am gone. I will not hurt anyone like I have been hurt. And here is the moral of this post: I suggest that you do the same.
Let It Begin, Let It End
I don’t know if I love you
And I don’t know if I miss you
I just feel numb…
But there’s a tug of war being fought
For the rights to my heart
And I can’t even feel it.
Is it my job to proclaim the winner?
Is it my duty to oblige the victor?
If so, I believe I will disappoint you
Because I choose me.
I have done so much
And received so little
Do I not deserve happiness?
Can I not get it for something less?
The joy you brought me
Compared to the pain you rought
Is not enough for the tears I fought
I smile more, and cry less
When my heart is safe inside my chest.
I hate this feeling
Loving but not believing
Wounded but not bleeding
Broken but never healing.
Where are you now
That you weren’t back then
And how do you expect me to trust you again?
Leave me
Inside myself.
I don’t need your help.
I can’t let you
Destroy this wall I’ve built
I can’t forgive you
Just to satisfy your guilt.
Leave me, as you left me;
Empty.
I saw this coming
But I am better prepared than I was then.
So let this feeling begin
And dear God,
Let it end.
